i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
