At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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