just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
