if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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