walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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