Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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