stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she told me i tasted like america
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
