bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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