I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just puked most of my soul out..
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
