So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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