My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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