his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
