I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
