when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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