So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
