So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
