He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
