I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
