Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
