he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
