I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
