Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You can't just leave with hair like that
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
