My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
