I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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