My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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