Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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