k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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