I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
