I should be sponsored by Trojan
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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