how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
