he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
