Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
