I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
