I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
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I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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