everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
