girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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