I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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