i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
