franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
