For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
