Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
