After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
