I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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