the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
