I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
