What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
