I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
