Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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