i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
