Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
