Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
