He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
