Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
