we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize