It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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