Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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