can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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