the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
