Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
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