so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
